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Yes, i believe in first love
Saturday, December 30, 2017 | 4:04 AM | 0 panda
When I first time saw him
Love doesn't come by always, it only comes one time. It’s true, when I was 14 years old I’m a girl who is very naughty and yes I am the naughtiest girl that you can't imagine. Every time I tried to fall in love or have a thing with anyone I would just be in a relationship not more than a month. I don't know... maybe I couldn't find my true love and couldn't find the right one that can accept me for who I am. It took about 2 years to forget and forgive the ex boyfriends that I was in a relationship because it seems that I can’t fall in love anymore so I decide to be alone for quite some time, after the recovery from fake love I finally have moved on with all the ‘fuck boys’ that wasn’t qualified to be in my life. So I enjoyed my life with all my friends and I was so damn happy that there’s not a single problem in my life towards ‘men’ yeah I just said that. Hahahaha☺
Next day, me and my friends come to ‘taman flat 41’ to hang out with my school friends while we were hanging out, I saw this boy that makes me dreaming in my own world with him, I ask myself is this what we call true love at first sight? Or maybe first crush or my very first love? Well, I guess it is. Gosh, I’m in love with that silly boy that I haven’t even spoken to before. Am I crazy? It’s like I’m smiling whenever I’m seeing his face , my face are all red and suddenly I can’t even speak. That means what I’m feeling now is how it feels when you are falling in love. To be honest, to me his so DAMN charming, but I’m not sure if my friends agree with my choice about him. Also, to his friends I’m not that beautiful cause boys won’t even want to have a girlfriend that is hideous like me.
At the end of the year, I notice that his friends are teasing me and calling me ugly also they are making fun of me. And I saw him laughing too that really breaks my heart, I feel humiliated. So I started hating him and I don’t come to ‘taman flat 41’ anymore cause I’m not ready to face their cruelty to a girl like me who is innocent and also is in love with their friend. I stayed home quite some time to heal back and I started playing ‘Facebook’ more just to forget about how hurtful I am. But I’m still in love with the silly boy that I haven’t even spoken to I just can’t stop remembering his smile and everything about him , it makes me want to know him more.
My Perfect stranger
all wounds. Am I right? But I’m still in love with him, he is everything to me, he made me feel like there’s butterflies in my stomach and make my heart race, weak in the knees and speechless. I read somewhere saying that it’s not real love if you never have been hurt before. Well, I do agree with that statement, because love is the main reason why we are getting stronger. But, I’m just in love with a boy that I have never spoken too. It’s sad though, because I can’t have him as mine.
This really breaks my heart; it’s a mental torture for having this kind of thoughts playing in your head and heart. It’s like you need time to heal from this but still you want to get hurt by him, gosh I’m losing my mind. Why do I fell in love with him although we never talk to each other, it’s weird. But it’s funny cause it’s like a cartoon character, I’m the ugly Beast and his the Beautiful one, I’m looking for someone to fall in love for who I’m the ugly best as soon as possible to break the curse, ehem! I’m referring to the movie entitled Beauty and the beast. But in that movie, it ended with falling in love and lives happily ever after. Will my love story be like the fairy tale of the beauty and the beast? Is it possible? I hope so. Come on it’s a new year and a new chapter but my love life is still him, it will never change, wait. We aren’t together yet, maybe we will be together. Maybe is just so hurtful to hear. I would always ask myself will I ever see him again. Will we be together in the future? That’s the only questions I’ve been asking myself.
Then on February (I’m celebrating my birthday in hospital), I was not feeling well and I was missing in action to all of my friends and in school (that’s normal cause I wasn’t really always at school) But this time I was absent because I’m having an operation about my tonsil and my tooth that is inside my gum. I was in admitted for a month; I wasn’t in a good condition that time. When all of those operations are done and I can go home, my mum bought me a new phone (my old phone was missing if you were wondering and I don’t even care cause I don’t have any important person to look for) the first person I look for is my close friend, Puteri. She was so worried that I was missing in action suddenly and wasn’t in school too. When I had explained what had happen to me she was relieved.
After all of those sick days, I was getting better and only the stitches at my upper gum can be seen but I’m fine, just wasn’t that active like I used to be that naughtiest one. As the day goes by, I was hanging around the place where I first meet this silly boy that I was so in love with. While hanging out with my friends, my eyes were searching for him silently but I didn’t see him anywhere. Where could he be? I missed him a lot and I cried silently without anyone noticing that I madly in love with him. Then, my friends suddenly want to hangout somewhere else. I’m with a heavy heart standing up and walk with them to another location when I know I’m not going to see him today.
Meanwhile, we arrived at the location called “taman mastika”. Me and my friends were all having so much fun laughing and gossiping. While we are having fun talking until I forgotten that I was thinking about him, Suddenly, I saw him riding his motorbike wandering around then he was looking toward us. He stopped, get off of his motorbike and come towards us and I was freaking out I was so blushed that I can't even talk. It was strange how I could fall in love to him when I know I wasn't that good looking and I was just only 15 years old how could he would fall in love with me when his age gap with me is 3 years. I’m still a kid to him, but I’m so in love with him. God please let me have him! I’m so crazy in love with him, god look his smiling I’m melting. That’s me talking to myself when his there in front of my eyes.
“Hey, fiya.” He said. Swear to god, I felt like fainting. Please say it again, I’m so in love with your voice please just talk again. Yup that’s me again talking to myself. Isn’t that silly for a girl like me to be madly in love with a person like this?
“Uhh-uh, hey” I said, to be honest I was speechless I felt like my tongue just froze and I can’t even move and talk. Damn, I was shivering like mad my heart was beating fast and I feel like I need oxygen. Help, I’m dying.
“Kau ada guitar dekat rumah kan? Nak pinjam boleh?” He said. I was like oh please have me, borrow me too. I would love to be in your arms. Damn is this me? I can’t believe I’m saying like this in my thoughts. But damn you’re so fine I felt like I want to bite you I want you please know that. Oh my god, I feel like I’m a psychopath.
“ha’ah ada, boleh. Esok ambil lah aku bawa esok” I said. Oh god please let this silly boy know that I’m into him and I want him so bad that I would die for him. I feel like screaming because he is in front of me. I’ve been hoping to see him just now and now his really in front of me. How I wish I could hug him and kiss him. Seriously, I want him in me I want him to be mine.
“Okey bingo, kau ada kakak saudara kan? Arinah Syahirah?” He said. I was shocked, how the hell that he knew my cousin? She’s my most beautiful cousin and also like a sister to me. We were so damn close. I was afraid that he would choose her besides of me. But I act cool and answer him.
“Mesti lah ada, haah kenapa?” I said. Damn please don’t break my heart by saying you’re choosing her over me. God please, his mine and I want him so bad.
“Kakak saudara kau lawa lah” He said. Oh fuck, I felt the pain in my heart but I smiled.
“Oh yeke? Couple lah dengan dia” I said. While hiding the jealousy of not being beautiful like her, despite I was just a kid. He would definitely not look at me and wanting me to be a part of his life.
“Memang nak cuba ayat pun, Tapi dia bercinta dengan Tariq abang Dang. Ok lah aku gerak dulu” He said and he went off with his motorbike. I smiled in my heart saying Thank god.
Next is I’m afraid he would want me to help him so that they can be together. Why am I so negative? If they are meant to be together what I could do just be happy for them. Then, I was looking at my friends face and I was giving a sign that I was afraid of something. She looks at me and maybe she gets what I’m afraid of but she keep quite. When we were all walking back home, they noticed that I was not happy because my face was in a worried look. Maybe it’s because of him. When I was walking home, I thought of calling my cousin and ask her about him I wanted to stalk him and see his fucking face and cry over him while saying why aren’t you mine. Damn again I’m just like a psychopath. She answered my call.
“Hello, yes baby?” She said. I was expecting her to say mean things like kau nak apa? But she’s in a good mood today. Hahaha.
“Akak, kenal tak buah? Orang panggil dia mcmtu. Adik taktahu la nama betul dia apa.” I asked and she’s laughing. What the hell is wrong with everyone? I’m being serious here and she just laughs?
“Kenal la kot, dia ada kawan dengan akak dekat Facebook. Ash xgunz tak silap nama Facebook dia. Kenapa adik?” She said. Again I’m out of my mind being crazeyh about him; I was running up the stairs to go home and on my Facebook and find his Facebook. I’m a psychopath, remember?
“Takde papelah, when are you coming to my house I got a lot of stories to tell you and I’m having a crush on someone.” I said. In my head is saying ahhh damn his so fine, I can’t wait for him to be mine since I still have the chance his looks like he doesn’t have a girlfriend and someday his going to be mine. Ok I’m totally a psychopath. hahaha
“I’ll be there by tomorrow, well I guess I know who your crush is because you’re asking about him and I know it’s madly in love kind of crush” She said. Well my cousin knows me so well and that is also why I love her so much.
Next day, she came to my house. She was beyond excited to hear my stories and to know who my crush that I’m so in love with. So our day just went with a lot of gossiping, stalking and giving tips on how to get him. Maybe some help? Haha ok I’m laughing. Then, She on her laptop and I saw him online his facebook and then pop up his name chatting my cousin with a “hi arinah” but she was too busy to reply because she’s chatting with her lover. Then he sends a chat again, my cousin called me because I was in front drinking water. So I came in my room running because I was excited too. She said “baby, your crush just chat me” (our conversation was private and she knows who my crush is if you are wondering what just happen) She replied his chat and they talked, I saw that he was into her but she wasn’t into him. She then stalked him just for me to see, we both saw a picture of him and a chinese girl. Well I’m assuming that’s his girlfriend, it really does make my heart torn into pieces. I’ve never felt this way, then my cousin said to me “fiyaaa,dia ada girlfriend lah buat apa nak kacau boyfriend orang sampai ada hati dengan boyfriend orang ni” gosh I didn’t know that but why is he trying to tackle my cousin? Is he insane? Again I’m talking to myself. “Safiah!” My cousin shouted at me because I was not paying attention, actually I’m thinking of something. “Yeee! Oh, takpalah kalau macam tu, aku takkan dapat dia lah ni , ala sedih betul macam ni” I said with a sad face and a heart broken. Then suddenly she stands up and says I know what to do. I was hoping that she will not try to do silly things, it’s just enough for me to fall in love with that silly boy ♥ at night, I was playing game on my facebook and she was sleeping. I saw him online; I don’t have the guts to talk to him nor chatting with him. Suddenly, his name pop up! OH MY GOD, ok again I’m going to be a psychopath. I felt like shouting but I try to control myself from being a psychopath.
“Tidur arhhh” he sent. I was thinking should I reply or shouldn’t? Well I’m ugly so ugly people replies fast because they will know that boys won’t fall in love with them. So fuck it just reply!
“tak mengantuk lah” I said. And he was typing. My heart race and I was shivering then his name pop up again, that shows that his replying to me, wow that’s impressive.
“Kau jangan macam macam arhh, kak kau mana?” he said. Alright, that really does makes me annoyed. I didn’t reply. I was pissed off because of what he said. It literally hurts my feelings, but wait! He doesn’t know that I like him so what? Just reply then.
“Tidur” I said then I offline because I was not in the mood to talk with him, I guess I’m feeling jealous. Also it hurts my feeling knowing that I’m nobody to him. Well I should also remember that I’m ugly and I won’t fall in love with my first love. Not all first love we can get right? Well I guess I can coop with that.
As the days goes by, my cousin went back to Singapore to finish her studies. Damn I miss her so bad I felt so lonely. I noticed that I wasn’t always outside; I’m always at home and wait in front of the computer using Facebook just hoping that he would pop up. But he didn’t show up, I was devastated that I couldn’t talk to him even for awhile. Wait, we are not together but why I felt this way? Are we meant to be together someday? I was dying to know will he be mine someday. I was trying my best to get him to be mine; alright again I’m a psychopath.
Soon after, I waited and waited he was online. My cousin is also on the line, well I’m assuming they are chatting because when I talked to her, she’s saying “kejap, ada benda nak settle dulu” and I’m like okay… Then suddenly, he send me a chat saying “hi” my heart stops seeing his name pop up , because I was hoping that I could spend time talking even for awhile. He starts to be nice to me. Asking me many questions, wants to know more about me and asked about my guitar and so on. I was delightful to know that he is getting interested in me, suddenly. But it made my day somehow.
Soon, we have become much closer because we talked a lot for months, I felt like we are having a thing but not too soon maybe just as a friend. Then, I have the guts to ask his phone number. And yes, he gave his phone number and he says to text him when his offline. By then, we are getting closer, I guess. I don’t know what miracle that happen is it because of my cousin or god had answered my prayers. Not long after we are getting closer and knowing each other, I told him that I like him and I have feelings towards him by text. The way he replies is completely in shocked, I can tell because I notice the way he replies my texts. Suddenly, we are a thing. But he was just a big brother to me. Not as a lover. But its okay, as long as his mine I’m happy. I get the chance to hold his hands, hangout with him and see his smile and see him playing football also joke around with him ♥.♥
Then, I started going to extra classes (tuisyen) because I’m going to sit for PMR examination soon, On a unlucky day I was been scolded in mathematics class because I couldn’t understand what he was teaching then I was crying because that dude shouted at me when the class had ended my friend brings me to uptown to look for my big brother, that is him. He saw me crying and he hugged me, and I felt like crying more and more because my crush hugged me when I’m sad. Damn my life is so blessed! Then suddenly my fucking ex boyfriend showed up and holds my hand. I saw the look of my silly boy’s face was shocked because he knows that I don’t have any boyfriend and his the only one taking good care of me. Then my silly boy just walk off, I knew by then that he is jealous. I was in a dilemma, my ex boyfriend is holding my hands and bringing me around uptown, my friend has gone following my silly boy and I’m all alone with my ex boyfriend. Then, I told my ex boyfriend I’m sorry I need to go. I quickly run to find my silly boy, when I come to him he was angry with me and we kind of quarrel because of my ex boyfriend. I told him what I’m supposed to tell. It’s like we are a lover the way we are quarreling Then I was crying because I don’t know what to do while holding his hands saying that I love you, please don’t leave me because of my ex boyfriend, I want only you. It’s kind of emotional because he said that he wants to let me go and let me go with my ex boyfriend, I was heartbroken. I gave up and follow what he wants. So me and my friend went back home because she saw me not in a good condition to be there. So we went home.
1 Months later, I was with my Facebook I saw his name online. I was afraid to talk to him, I was afraid that he is still angry with me. So, I didn’t talk to him for some time. Damn my phone was so lonely. Usually I would be texted him, always. Ah I missed him so bad why would my ex boyfriend come when I needed my silly boy’s attention the most. I couldn’t stand feeling this way, so I texted him saying that I missed him. I was hoping that he will answer my text because I did a mistake and I’m afraid that I would get scold or whatever it is. But look into the bright side, not always we should think on to the dark side right? An hour later, he replied I miss you too. So we talked like before and we are okay now not quarreling anymore. Thank god! Then, we move forward with our lives and enjoy every moment together as brother and sister. Our jealousy gained day by day and our love towards each other gets stronger also my love towards him gets stronger and I’m madly in love with him. I can’t imagine a life without him even though as a brother and sister kind of love.
As the day goes by, I fell in love again with my silly boy and my cousin came by so I told my cousin that I want him so bad and I’m going to be the one who is going to propose him to be my boyfriend. Then, my cousin talks to me about some important stuff that she was afraid that I scold her. She shows me the chat of him and her, he promises to take good care of me and take me as his love rather than my cousin. Also, my cousin said whenever you want to go home please give my baby sister a kiss because I’m not always with her. So he promised and he isn’t sure whether to accept me if I ask because I’m assuming his embarrass to fall in love with an ugly person like me. But after reading it, I look to my cousin and hug her because she help me to get him even though it wasn’t the way I want maybe he would be sincere in accepting me one day. But it takes time for me to tell him that I want to him to be my love partner because I don’t have the guts to tell yet. Hahaha
At the month of June, I have the guts of doing what I’ve been wanted to do to propose to him to be mine. My best friend is in a relationship with my silly boy’s friend and now it’s my turn to ask I can’t wait no longer on the 3rd June 11.30pm I propose to him, telling my feelings toward him like all boys would be talking to make a girl melt. Hahaha then at 12.00am 4th June 2012, he accepted my proposal but he wants to keep our relationship secret what he meant is let people know by themselves. But, to me I’m guessing that he is not accepting this relationship sincerely that’s why he wants to keep it secret or let people know by themselves. But whatever, his officially mine ♥ Then, I didn’t come to my extra class (tuisyen) because my beloved cousin passed away, she had an accident while driving home from KLIA highway to her house at Damansara.
2 days later, I was sad and I remembered what she did for me. But life must go on, and I’m sad that my cousin just left us early, I assumed she was happy because she knew I’ve got my love to be with until my dying day and I would have a new best friend when she is gone.
After all this sadness about the lost of my beloved cousin, I’m happy with my first love that I fell in love since day one. The struggle is real, it’s not a joke. While we are in a relationship, we exchanged our Facebook account that means he can open mine, and I can open his. Suddenly, I found out he was cheating on me. More than 4 months I was in love with him and I found out that this is happening to me. What is my fault? I was so sad that I literally want to let him go because it hurts my feelings. But he tried his best to correct the situation and explained it to me, though I’m so disappointed but I try to give him chances to improve his mistakes because he said this is all his girlfriends when he was officially single, before he was been cheated to a Chinese girl who fucks other boys and he saw a love bite at her
We are together since 2012 - until now, still counting. I really love you, I never planned on loving you this much or liking you this much but my feelings for you are absolutely insane. As long as I got you, I won’t need nobody else ♥ I’m thankful to god and also my late cousin for everything. And thank you to my beloved family and his family for blessing our love life until today.
♥ I BELIEVE IN TRUE LOVE ♥